You know most Asian girls actually look fantastic from behind. Super petite, normally wearing Sailor Moon inspired school girl outfits walking all funny due to their late night with some sort of tentacle monster…it’s not till the turn around your penis grows two eye brows and raises one while lowing the other simply to give it’s best impression of the classic Kevin Arnold confused as all hell look.  But not this one, this one is 360 degrees of what the fuck, so much so…she inspired me to make a brief comeback to the world of blogging.

Spotted in San Francisco by my dear friend I will code name Binary is this gem. First off, your spotted pant like clothing and blush should not match,  its like one of the dots on your pants just had enough of your nether regions and somehow found the courage to escape the clutches and fat rolls of your evil fupa and ran up to your face.…the dot must be scared shitless, and I highly advice you all prey for the lone pink dot able to escape this woman’s pants. Speaking of her pants, how they hell are they staying up exactly? There is no drawstring, elastic or anything that remotely looks capable of defying the laws of physics and gravity this woman is subjecting her pants to. This might just be a bigger find then that arsenic based life form Astronomers R Us just found (I refuse to call it NASA so long as they are not traveling to Space).

However I must commend this walking, talking easter egg for at least matching her eye make up, which looks like it was accidentally applied to her face whilst raping a ballerina from the Nutcracker, for matching her blue eye/lower-forehead shadow to her socks. Then again, when you are wearing 4 pairs of different colored socks, it’s pretty easy to make one of them match right?

To call this shirt a Paradox would be quite the understatement. This is some serious Terminator/James Cameron level shit going on here. See, punk was not dead before this shirt, but as soon as Ed Hardy claims that it’s not dead, he killed it. Therefore expanding Ed Hardy shirts from the realm of douchey to the realm of Urban Outfiters irony. A horribly not funny ironic t-shirt, matched with the level of ass baggery of Ed Hardy design makes this cringe worthy, I couldn’t even find a photo of it being worn. The only way this shirt could get worse is if you cut off the sleeves. Oh and where’s the fucking apostrophe, Punk as a mindset and cultural movement is not plural. An what’s with girth of rhinestones on the word Dead…it’s (notice the proper usage of the apostrophe) like the “designer” ran out of rhinestones after getting all trigger happy with the industrial strength bedazzler that surely must have been engineered using Nazi technology. In the end, Ed Hardy tried to say something with this shirt, and for that it should be recognized as the…

Worst. Shirt. Ever.

Yeah I took a few months off, it’s not like you guys pay for this shit so I don’t know why anyone complained. Plus I was busy helping the global economy rebound. Notice how the stock market is above 10K again…yeah, that was all me. But I’m back now…but there will be some changes.

1. More writers – I’m gonna be bringing on some more writers as there are more pictures than I have time to write, and quite frankly I only have so much funny in me on any given day, and some of it I save for flirting on Twitter (follow me: @DeadHardy)
2. More swearing – It is my New Years resolution to use the word Cunt at least 127 times this year on the site. (Current tally: 1)
3. Video – Douche bags in motion….you have be warned.
4. More User Submissions – While there is a plethora of content here in Los Angeles, and I travel a good deal, I need your help so we can capture douche bags the world over. Be sure to send video, photos, watercolors, whatever to Contact@deadhardy.com.
5. More DeadHardy Do and DeadHardy Don’t – For some reason these have been some of the more popular posts, so you’ll be seeing more of them. If you have a compay/product line you’d like to recommend, hit me up!
6. More Hits – This is where you come in. Moving forward we need this site EVERYWHERE. Retweet, Facebook, Email the fuck out DH. You know my shit is funnier than People of Walmart and This is Why you’re Fat so share it with the world
7. More grammar mistakes – Just fucking deal with it.

From one of our readers in Prague, this little gem of a submission came to us marked, “even down to the stride.”

Ed Hardy must have been hungry when he designed this Rocket Pop rip-off. It’s such a shocking resemblance that tourists are taking pictures as he walks by. You can even see the kid’s disappointment when mommy tells her she can’t take a bite off of him. It does make me wonder when waffles cone jeans with nuts on top are coming back into fashion. I mean, I haven’t been able to show off my nuts since I was two years old escaping from mom in the bathroom and ruining Christmas for everyone but my creepy neighbor dropping off a Fruit Cake (later – sadly – that became our neighbor’s alias on the news.)

All the way “down to the stride?” All the way from his beveled bald head down to the stick up his ass is more like it. Yeah, I see you flinching. And no, it’s not in a good way. I would tell this guy to cover up to avoid embarrassment – but then I’m forced to write a post about a fat, bald Ed Hardy Spiderman – and nobody wants to read that.

Wow, is this what high school parties have become? Suddenly my fantasy of buying liquor for a bunch of female seniors in high school just lost a lot of it’s appeal….but not all of it sexy ladies of the class of 2010 (call me). This is why ALL high schools and hell, even community colleges should have uniforms; obviously they can’t dress themselves properly. The brother (the one on the left for all your white readers) looks like a rapper who just blew their entire advance in the fashion district of downtown LA and most likely overpaid some painters wife to buy her husbands old wife beater. Seriously, does any one think white paint marks on clothes looks cool…cause to me, it just looks like the last few frames of a bukake shoot. And what’s with the hat, it looks like a classically trained sombrero designer went blind and started decorating trucker caps. I am sure the kid on the right must feel pretty badass wearing a studded belt and pointing with a black guy and all, but honestly, son…you look like the “bad boy” member of some shitty boy band. Pretty soon you’ll be losing 30 pounds just so you can have 2 minutes of screen time in M. Night Shyamalan next film where trees start seeing dead people or something. Oh and please learn to point, you look like fucking Spider-Man. But hey, I’m sure you guys feel cool in these outfits and partying with chubby Harry Potter look-alikes like the one behind you!

This girl baffles me, cause she’s a unicorn, yet wears obnoxious swimsuits, and has a horrible overly bleached haircut, all of which screams for attention! You don’t need blonde hair or obnoxious clothing to get anyone’s attention; you’re a FREAKING UNICORN! For those that don’t know, a unicorn is DH’s special way of saying you’re an Asian with HUGE TITS! Because Asians with huge tits are mythical and magical creatures that technically shouldn’t exist. Yet, here is one, all 32C of her wrapped in an Ed Hardy two piece that makes Truman wish he had dropped more then 2 bombs, and Nixon wishing he spread the Vietnam War into Korea, China, Japan and any other country with a significant area of rice patties. And where they hell are you? Unicorns shouldn’t be hanging out with nerdy Asian dudes that know how to plan a Zerg rush better than they know how to love down a woman. You should be hitting up a NFL running back or rap producer, not the dude who once jerked it to Sailor Moon over there! What’s really scary is this probably exactly what Jon and Kate Gosselin’s little girls will look like with Jon forcing Ed Hardy onto them, and Kate forcing her haircut. Lets hope social services sees this photo and steps in right away!

Really?

Seriously?

What’s sad about this is he really planned this all out…he made sure to grab his matching shoes, belt, and hat and wear them all at the same time. Little shit even sags his pants just enough so the belt is visible below his shirt, and throws any and all caution to the wind about looking like a dwarf in photos. This is what happens when douchebags learn the term “matchy matchy.” Somehow this guy took the idea of ladies matching their hand bags and shoes, and decided that not only should all of his accessories match, they should be cut from the same cloth…literally! And what’s with the hat on the belt loop? You can wear your sunglasses indoors (sadly not pictured) but a hat, oh no, a hat would just look stupid indoors, so let me just clasp it onto my belt loop like a ring of god damn janitors keys…yeah, that looks real street! You know what you should do next, get some designer knee high socks and just hang em’ on your shoulder…if you do that, maybe…just maybe you won’t be on the wrong side of the red velvet rope and they’ll let your ass into the damn club without you having to buy bottle service…just think, then you’ll be able to afford a whole outfit in that same print!

Spotted in Las Vegas is this perfectly acceptable, and cute flower print dress…IF YOU’RE 9 YEARS OLD!!!! Seriously, girl, you are in SIN CITY, please leave your good girl image back at the barn. No one wants to lift up a flower print dress in the elevator at the Mandalay Bay and have a quickie. In fact the flowers just scream “This pussy saved for marriage” This might get the red necks all hot and bothered but in Vegas this dress looks like you just snuck into the casino on a dare after drinking a shot of Zima. We’ve seen the youngin’ look done right before, but this is just plain and ugly! I will at least applaud you for not wearing a bra whose straps would have been visible in the U-neck cut of the dress, but must inform you of the wonders of strapless bras, it seriously looks like you have been a wet nurse for the last 5 years, and at your age that is damn scary! Oh and please note, that if you ain’t wearing at least 3 inch heels in Vegas you shouldn’t even be allowed to stay on the strip. Seriously live it up, put on some heels, and let that nerdy ass guy you are with into you non-flower print panties sometime, why else do you think he took you to Vegas?!

Vegas is the Capital of douchie fashion, the only thing that kept me from taking 100’s of photos each day was the fact that most of these douche bags are bigger than me, and travel in packs making it incredibly hard to discreetly take photos of them. But as god loves me and what I am doing, I was able to get a few for you lucky readers! Here we see a very ‘special’ Ed Hardy fan not only proudly rocking his Ed Hardy shirt, but also sporting a sweet mullet. It’s nice to know this guy is loyal to the fads he partakes in supporting them well after Aston Kutcher is no longer their unofficial spokesperson. I am sure this guy will be Twittering far longer then Anderson Cooper! The saddest thing about this guy is that no matter what jackpot he might win in Vegas…he’s still a loser. Oh, and nice back pack, we are digging the safety red here at Dead Hardy HQ, I am sure it makes it very easy for your guardians to find you in a crowd when necessary.

Michael Vick is no longer the doucheist QB in the NFL…It appears that Kurt Warner not only stole Matt Leinhart’s job, but his entourages’ wardrobe as well.  Look Kurt, we all know you are old, but you’re in better shape than most people half your age, and just got a big money contract, and your wife is the perfect WASP, what exactly are you trying to prove wearing the Ass-likin’ t-shirt? Did the wings remind you of some angel passage from the bible? Did one of the running back wear one and you chose to get the shirt instead of the diamond stud earrings cause you liked his look? And what’s with the damn anchor? Is it some pirate thing? Cause I think the wings on your shirt and your devout Christianity aren’t very pirate like. Seriously, how can you be religious enough to star in commercials that oppose stem cell research claiming god wouldn’t like, but wear that shirt, do you really think god thinks you look cool right now? Just remember Kurt, God is watching, and so is Dead Hardy…so please, spend your millions and millions of dollars on something that doesn’t scream mid-douche crises mmmkay.

Special thanks to the Global Sports Fraternity for the pic who produce some of the funniest sports content on the web…yes, even funnier than this post!